A looking glass

Life in the UK has been good, to me anyways. I don't have any issues with money nor have I left my textbooks completely untouched (I got study ok!... a bit). I'm able to experience the joy of living with your close buddies (Being able to live together with friends is extremely fun!) and I even started cooking for myself on a not-so-daily basis while learning some new dishes in the process (which involves randomly dumping stuff in the pot anyway). I've missed a few day trips, including trips to Scotland and Land's End but heck, at least I don't have hectic schedule like my friends.

Generally everything seems to be going well on my end. But as I get closer to my friends, I began to realize their time in the UK for many, are all but a bed of roses. One friend in particular has been extremely unlucky these past few days. I can only feel sorry for my friend and do nothing to help.

In any case, listening to them actually made me think more about myself. I often think that my own life is messy but it probably isn't as bad as I make it to be. Have I been taking my life for granted? I always do things half-hardheartedly and have always assumed that things would turn out for the better. I don't appreciate what I already have and just seem to toss them around. Perhaps I'm too selfish or self centered; I have people who care deeply for me but I treat them as though as they're unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

So what do I make of all this? That I should treat people close to me better? Appreciate my life more? I don't know. It's silly really, to be thinking about stuffs like these and not planning to do anything about it. What's the point of all the thinking then? I guess this is just how my brain works. I'll probably end up turning into a better person... or not, maybe someday, I hope.

Tired of my own thoughts

A recent invitation to a gathering brought back the thoughts buried deep within me. I thought I had forgotten. From then on, I think about it from time to time. I rage about it. Sometimes, I’d even imagine myself killing them to quench my hate. I’m sick and tired of these thoughts. I’m probably the only person still thinking about it while nobody else cares anyway.

Thinking back, on my dear’s birthday gathering, I wanted to go home, leave and not give a damn about everything. I know I’m bad with directions and when he suggested to go somewhere else even after our part of the group have arrived there, I snapped. I wanted to say, “GO LA, I KNOW I DON’T HAVE A CAR. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT, YOU’RE THE DRIVER ANYWAY. TAKE THEM WHEREVER YOU WANT”. I knew what he said was a joke, yet I was filled with nothing but rage. I passed the phone to another friend and reflected on my own thoughts. What kind of a bastard am I? The kind who would leave behind his loved one? To not share the special day with her just to satisfy my own hatred?

Even after so many months, I still can’t let go of the past. At times I feel like moving away, somewhere where I won’t ever see any of them ever again. If this were a movie/film/novel, there’d be a close friend advising the character not to run away and face his problems head on or letting it go right? I grew up as a coward, I would rather run away than to face my problems head on. I’d picture myself with a successful career overseas so that I will never have to come back here.

I’m tired. Very tired. All I can do these days is to ask the Lord for forgiveness and to help me relieve me from my misery. I don’t want to be trapped in this pit of torture within my own mind anymore. I just want it to stop. I had to turn down the gathering invitation because I’m afraid of seeing them again. I have tried putting more of my heart into love but at the end of the day, I will continue to think about it. God, I beg of you. Whatever it takes, please, free me from this prison.

Some thinking..

Another emo post.. oh joy! ~*(^___^)*~
Something a friend posted made me think several wall of texts. Well, he posted;

If you can't stand on the way how people will criticize,judging or look at you...; Seriously I doubt that if you can ever survive in this tough cruel bitchy world.

I guess, like he said, you just need to suck it up and move on.
But it's kind of a mystery how people works. One minute they may humiliate you and the next moment after they've seen the effectiveness of their grand cannons they quickly turn 180 degrees and start feeling pity and un-equipping their big guns, changing into morally upright people; or they could just bomb you further until you commit suicide / move into far far away~ and start afresh - hopefully securing a better social position than in the past (possibly, ironically turning into a bully themselves to overshadow what they used to be).

Either way, if everyone is doing the same thing to you, doesn't that means that there must be something wrong with you? Under normal circumstances, this is what the "victim" would feel. It's easy to just tell them to suck it up or not to be bothered by it. We usually say things like, "don't care la" and often take other people's feelings for granted by having this perception that they must work it through themselves. Have we not considered that some "victims" can't take the hit?

"It's just a joke", is what they feel, right through the very end. "It's his/her problem for taking it seriously". Generally, people don't care but "victims" usually feel otherwise. It's not that easy to just suck it up and move on - not without the help of others. I guess without white knights saving them, they probably won't ever survive in this "tough cruel bitchy world".

Having said all that crap, should I have thanked God that I had the aid of several white knights? Even though the knights in question were the ones who threw me in the puddle of shit in the first place? It's kind of a mystery how people works...

A list-

-of what I’ve accomplished during my holidays

1. celebrated Simon & S.K.’s spawn date

2. finally man up and continued with my driving ;_;

3. celebrated half-a-versary with my soh poh <3

4. 2nd attempt at Breath of Fire IV after first attempt ended
     due to error while saving file and completed at 45-ish
     hours of gameplay.

5. Finished Final Fantasy Tactics Advance with 87 hours.

6. Went to a cinema for a first time in a few months.

 

-of things that need to be done with this blog

1. find a better template

2. add more gay posts

3. needs moar pictahs

4. possibly a new name + address

5. thinking whether I should remove previous hate posts
     - I pictured this blog to be full of cold jokes. seriously.
       maybe leave one or two. i don’t know. should I? ;(

6. I <3 Hot & Rolls (for the sake of filling up no.6~)

An apology

I wish to apologize for any unhappy emotions stirred up by

my previous post. I must admit, from the way that I’ve

written that post, it seemed like I was verbally assaulting or

trying to badmouth another person. I assure that it was not

my motive for publishing that post. I intended for it to

highlight my inability to act/lack of initiative to act in

addition to hurting the feelings of my beloved.

I had no idea that my post had such a tone until I re-read it

again after being pointed out by a friend. Again I’m deeply

sorry for any misconceptions caused due to my rant.

A hypocrite myself, I have absolutely no right to judge a

person like that, not to mention making misleading

statements against another person. I also want to stress

that the views from my previous post was entirely one

sided and should not be used to determine someone's

character. Again, I would like to point out that it was not

what I intended the post to be. Please disregard my

offensive comments in the previous post.

For what it's worth, I think that person is reliable,

willing to make sacrifices for us and a good friend. One

of the few I would definitely call when I'm in deep shit :)

I’m sorry.

To describe my feelings, where should I start?

I hate how he hits the girl I care about,

Yes it's a joke; but shouldn't he show some restraint?

Normally it's just minor exchanges between friends

But this time it’s on her head,

while she’s still eating at that.

Why am I so irritated? When she’s not?

Because I find that pushing or hitting the head of another,

is a very insulting thing; he did it while she was still eating.

She nearly choked with her food halfway down her throat

yet you still pushed her head like that.

She said she was okay. That she didn't mind.

I wanted to tell him off, but I couldn’t,

Is it because I owe him too much, or that I'm a coward? -

and it was a time of celebration.

I was very angered at that, at myself.

If the same had happened to his gal, he would’ve retaliated.

Why can’t I bring myself to do the same?

I curse my own cowardice and powerlessness.

In my mind, I thought; I would lose to him in a raw fight.

He has a sharp tongue. I’m a timid guy.

I can’t protect the person that I care about.

Making her sad was even worse.

Because of what I said, she felt hurt.

Only deepened when said by someone close to her.

Things she thought her special person wouldn’t do.

No words can describe all the hurt she felt.

The hurt inside is absolutely the worse kind of pain.

Cuts and bruises can be cured by medicine.

But the heart, once broken, cannot be mended.

So how could I dare utter words about protecting her?

When I’m the one who hurts her the most?

He has a car, he has money.

I feel inferior at how he treats his girl.

I had never bought stuff for her. I have nothing.

She’s forced to take buses and go home alone.

She deserves much more than all this.

I can’t treat her right and I made her sad.

She never minded what others did to her,

but what I say could very well shatter her heart.

I’m sorry for all that I’m not and I’m sorry for all I’ve said.

Being with me even when I have nothing to give,

I thank God for bringing you into my life.

A sign from God

42 hours of gameplay. *selects it*
ERROR : file is damaged

 

*My reaction*